Turning Small Talk into Big Talk | Book Review
You should never go into a discussion
trying to educate someone else. (p. 138)
Celeste Headlee’s terrific quote offers great advice for effective coaching, a powerful application of Jan Janura’s recent work for those interested in transforming conversations and relationships beyond the superficial toward meeting our deepest internal motivational needs.
Unfortunately, most conversations today are transactional. They serve as a means to an end – as a way of requesting and dispensing information (p. 27). Likewise, this is likely why we detest meetings so much. By replacing a transactional mindset with a curious and interested one, we can learn a great deal. Ask the right questions and people will actually talk about everything that is on their hearts and in their heads (forward by Hugh Hewitt).
Janura recalls Doug Coe speaking about covenant relationships, a partnership in which two parties make binding promises to each other and work together to reach a common goal (p. 19). This is a terrific term we should consider using at the beginning of a coaching relationship reminiscent of Christine Comaford’s focus on making promises or commitments for breakthrough change.
This review recommends Janura’s approach as another way for leaders to think about, and continuously improve performance coaching sessions.
Intentional Questions
Janura shares the word intentionality, the act of being deliberate or purposeful on page 43. It’s a great new term for us, somewhat like Anders Ericsson’s deliberate practice. Being deliberate or intentional with conversations or coaching is quite the opposite of the trivial, driven by curiosity, discovery, and improvement.
Over the three days of an Academy Leadership Excellence Course, we discuss passive, active and trigger questions. Janura’s description of closed ended questions, which allows participants to simply answer yes or no (p. 64) are essentially, passive questions. Janura calls open-ended questions conversation starters (p. 73), akin to active questions.
Our goal is Janura’s description of table questions, or a way of managing a conversation and moving it in the direction you want it to go (p. 47), the equivalent of trigger questions. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that [trigger] other persons will [to] enjoy answering (p. 74). The best table, or trigger, questions should allow guests multiple options to explore, engage, and share their stories (p. 80). Of course, with this level of sharing the best action for a host (or coach) is active listening.
Preparation
Janura offer guidelines (p. 51) for setting up table questions.
1. Plan ahead.
2. Ask the right questions.
3. Be in control.
4. MAKE IT FUN.
Imagine training an athlete. Without a plan, measured results, evaluation and feedback, performance improvements invariably stall. Same thing with coaching. A productive coaching session may or not be fun, but it should be ENERGIZING.
As host or coach, you can expect a little trouble. And sometimes it’s a lot of trouble (p. 117). Maybe we don’t know the individual well. For example, being an introvert just means that you prefer socializing differently than extroverts (p. 128). During our Energize2Lead (E2L) workshops, we may describe the dominant green/blue color combination information processors, perhaps more descriptive than the label introvert.
Let’s say you’ve tried everything. Someone still won’t speak up. Here’s exactly what you should do in that situation. Nothing (p. 133). Janura is right. As a coach we should ask our questions, affording our audience time to process and share. Being patient may take some practice before it’s perfected, but you only stand to gain from making it a virtue (p. 154).
Application
Chapter 9, Lead by Listening, is the heart of the book, and a call for active listening. Janura cites Jessica Hagy:
“Listening is a key way to not only take interesting
information that you can share later, but to make
other people feel interesting themselves. To coax people
out of shyness, just keep asking them questions.” (p. 169)
We seem to suffer from a need to fill empty (quiet) conversational space today. Silences aren’t as long as you think they are (p. 169), according to Bernardo J. Carducci, Ph.D. Rather than speaking rather than listening, observe the environment. Janura includes nine techniques from The Silent Language of Leaders: How Body Language Can Help – or Hurt – How You Lead (p. 172). A favorite: Mirroring another person’s gestures and posture -- a terrific example.
Chapters 10-11 offer several sets of table questions and serve as an excellent reference.
Summary
Ximena Vengochea, Listen Like You Mean It: Reclaiming the Lost Art of True Connection, captures the essence of executive coaching:
“Staying present is essential for empathic listening to occur, the kind
of listening where we are able to connect beyond the superficial, to a
deeper, more meaningful, emotional level with others. (p. 170)
Janura provides a useful web site with additional resources:
JE | May 2023
