supercommunicators | Book Review

“Effective communication requires recognizing what kind of
conversation is occurring, and then matching each other.” (p. 22)

In the widely read book Crucial Conversations, the authors share that Masters of Dialogue are very good at watching the content of the conversation along with the conditions. We may think of Charles Duhigg’s supercommunicators similarly as they are as interested in figuring out what kind of conversation everyone wants as the topics they wish to discuss, or focusing on the creation of a learning conversation by (pp. 29-30):

• Paying attention to what type of conversation is occurring.
• Sharing your goals and asking what others are seeking.
• Asking about others’ feelings and sharing your own.
• Exploring if identities are important to this discussion.

Duhigg distinguishes three different conversations: Practical, decision making conversations that focus on What’s This Really About? Emotional conversations which ask How Do We Feel? And social conversations that explore Who We Are? (p. xvii).

Supercommunicators know how to evoke synchronization by encouraging people to match how they’re communicating (p. 21). This review highlights similarities between supercommunicators and Masters of Dialogue and how teachable leadership points of view may further help. 

What’s This Really About?

Duhigg posits every conversation is a negotiation. During our Leveraging the Power of Conflict workshop self-evaluation, questions three and four express the desire for a mutually agreeable resolution and asking conflicting parties to state their minimum acceptable and preferred solutions. Duhigg cites that researchers call this process a quiet negotiation (p. 41) first determining what everyone wants and second determining how we will speak and make decisions.

We won’t always be on the same page with others, but both Duhigg and the Crucial Conversations authors recommend we search for alignment first. For example, we can’t start a crucial conversation without mutual purpose, and we can’t continue one without mutual respect according to the book’s authors.

Duhigg reveals through stories that often what people desire from a negotiation isn’t obvious at first (p. 46) and that a good starting point is asking open-ended questions designed to get them talking about their values and what they want out of life (p. 47). The supercommunicator is like a leader as coach, with genuine interest in the other person increasing the likelihood of alignment.

In Crucial Conversations, the authors describe a dialog skill called Move to Action, consisting of four methods of decision-making: Command, consult, vote, and consensus. Imagine an After Action Review, or lessons learned session. The session won’t be effective without capturing the newly gained knowledge and then deciding who will commit to the decided action leading to an improved future outcome.

How Do We Feel?

The key to starting a How Do We Feel? conversation is teaching people to ask specific kinds of questions, the kinds that don’t on the surface, seem emotional, but that make emotions easier to acknowledge (p. 81).

Imagine a spectrum of questions, ranging from passive to active to deeper, thought-provoking questions that may trigger an emotional contagion leading to a lasting connection. Duhigg illustrates this cycle on page 93.  An effective coach does this but think what is required ahead of time. We should genuinely know the person, establish trust, and have agreed upon objectives.

Body language matters. As we get older, we start to pay increasing attention to what people say rather than what they do (p. 108). We also know from our Energize2Lead (E2L) profiles that dominant blue types are good at non-verbal communication. Duhigg reveals that laughter, and other nonlinguistic expressions such as gasps and sighs, or smiles and frowns, are embodiments of the matching principle, which says that we communicate by aligning our behaviors until our brains become entrained (p. 113).

According to Duhigg, we can apply this looping for understanding technique to conflict as well, using a variant of the Brief-Back technique practiced in our Feedback workshops. Again, this process starts by asking questions (p. 143) then summarizing what we heard, and then asking if we got it right. Duhigg informs us we then draw out emotions by proving we are listening. 

Who Are We? 

Social identities, are 

“that part of our self-concept that comes from our
membership in social groups, the value we place on this
membership, and what it means to us emotionally.” (p. 174) 

The instinctive, or motivational needs dimension of our E2L profiles provides a great starting point. For example, if we have green and blue colors in our lower dimension, details matter a lot to us. A focus on accuracy may be a core part of our identity.

An effective leader, or supercommunicator, may need to go deep and invite others to talk about where they come from, how they see themselves, how the prejudices they confront – racism, sexism, the expectations of parents and communities – have impacted their lives (p. 187). The wider range of discussion, the better chance of identifying common identity.

Summary

The question: “What Do I Really Want?” is key for both dialogue masters and supercommunicators.  Not just thinking about oneself, but for others too. Duhigg offers four guides (on pages 29, 68, 161 and 228) for practicing our supercommunicator skills.

Our goal, for the most meaningful discussions,
should be to have a “learning conversation.” (p. xviii)